No, I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need to get some things off my chest. Writing helps me sort my thoughts and feel better when I can't draw.
My husband and I have been struggling for awhile trying to find our way in life. It feels like every road we choose is the wrong one. I believe that's God's way of helping us find the right path, but it sure is frustrating when you can't seem to choose the right path the first time. Or second. Or fifteenth.
Seriously, should it be so darn hard to get things to work out? To find a decent, enjoyable job? To find an affordable apartment? To get your education without giving up part of your soul too?
It's hard too feeling like you're not living up to your potential. My darn fear of failure has me so petrified to try and fulfill my many dreams that I end up being a failure for never trying. Isn't that the pits? If I didn't have a husband and child, I'd be a lot more willing to go out on a limb and take some financial risks in order to try new things. I just have too much relying on my stupid income right now to quit and go 100% freelance. I have plenty of ideas. I'm bursting with them. What I don't have is a years worth of money saved up to allow me to quit and still survive while I figure out my ideas.
And it's not like my husband isn't doing his fair share. He's a stay-at-home dad and works nights to supplement our income. Being a parent is a lot of work. He's frustrated though that he doesn't have enough education to get a decent paying job that will allow us to switch roles. We're looking at schooling options but it's slow going.
Maybe I'm too impatient. I want things to happen RIGHT NOW because I feel like I've been so stagnant the past year. We've accomplished a lot, but it doesn't feel like it. I don't feel like I'm asking for much. I don't want fame and fortune. All I want is a place for my family to call home and for us to make enough money that I can be home to raise my child(ren) and create beautiful artwork to share with the world. Is that being selfish? I should be more grateful. We have been really, really blessed.
But I have dreams. I just feel selfish for having dreams. For feeling like I haven't been blessed enough. I need to stop that. I need to appreciate what I've been given. I have an amazing husband. I have the most adorable, wonderful son. They both give me immeasurable happiness. I just want the best for them. And being squished in one basement bedroom of your in-law's house isn't exactly living the dream...
It's times like this I wish I could look ahead and see which path to choose. But that would take all the fun out of it, right? LOL.
I know this trial will pass. They always do. And things always have a way of working out. Usually in a way that I never would have expected. I have to remember that I know so very little about life and to trust God. The only way for me to truly find peace is to give up what I think I want and accept God's will - He knows me so much better than I know myself. He's shown that time and again.
It's how we handle the journey, not the result, that's the true test of life. So I guess my answer is, Yes. I do feel like a failure. All the time. Pretty much every day. But I haven't given up. Not yet. And you'll never truly fail until you do. So I'll keep moving forward, even if I don't know my final destination. Eventually the road will become clear, and I'll be able to look back and see God's hand in every moment of my life, leading me. He hasn't failed me yet and as long as I look to Him, He never will. That's one thing I can always trust.
There, I feel better now.
Original Background Texture by Ninelyn
, modified by lilowlaroo